Book Summary: The Courage To Be Disliked
Author: Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Book Size: 226 pages
Book available: here
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Moral and Introduction:
Is it possible to choose your happiness? The Courage to Be Disliked offers a basic and simple solution. This book features an illuminating debate between a scholar and a young man, using the principles of Alfred Adler, one of the 3 titans of 19th-century psychology with Freud and Jung. The scholar helps his student comprehend how, liberated from the constraints of traumatic memories and the preconceptions of others, each of us can select the route of our own lives throughout 5 discussions.
The Courage to Be Disliked is a wise book that will walk you through the principles of self-forgiveness, self-care, and mind-clearing. It is a truly liberating style of thinking that allows you to cultivate the confidence to change and disregard whatever constraints you may be imposing on yourself. This straightforward and deeply emotional book gives you the power to find true pleasure and become the person you genuinely want to be. Its teachings have already benefited millions of people, and now you may too.
What can you do to make a difference in your life? You have the option to change your life at any moment. It’s just that you don’t want to.
You eventually wind up with determinism if you believe your history determines your present; your future is already chosen by your past. We don’t worry about past causes in “Adlerian psychology,” but rather about current goals. It is the significance you attach to your history, not your past, that determines your present.
You are unable to change just because you have chosen not to. You likely believe it’s easier to leave things alone. If you stay the same way, you’ll be able to react to events as they happen and predict the outcomes. It’s like getting behind the wheel of an old but trusted vehicle. It may shake a little, but you can easily maneuver around it if you keep that in mind. However, no one can foretell what will happen to your new self or how you will respond to circumstances as they emerge if you select a new lifestyle. It will be difficult to look ahead to the future, and your life may be sad and anxious. So you’ve made the decision not to change.
You’ve decided not to follow your dreams. You don’t make any commitments because you want to retain the possibility of “I can do it if I try ‘’ open. You are afraid of exposing your work to criticism, and you certainly don’t want to do substandard work and risk rejection.
The answer is courage.
#1: You make up feelings.
You yelled at the waiter because he spilled coffee on your jacket. Would stabbing him with a knife be OK if you truly can’t manage your emotions and anger? What happened was that you pretended to be angry and yelled at him to get him to conform to you.
You may be familiar with the following scenario: A mother yells violently at her daughter. When the phone rings, she takes it up and changes her tone to become very courteous, just to yell again when she hangs up! To achieve our objectives, we invent feelings.
A pupil expresses her concern about blushing. When she’s out in public, she flushes. She has affection for someone but is afraid to admit it due to her fear. In actuality, she is afraid of rejection, so she made up the fear of blushing to avoid confessing her feelings. “If only I didn’t have that fear of blushing, I could’ve,” she thinks to herself.
The possible answer: Accept yourself presently, and have the confidence to take a risk regardless of the consequences.
#2: You use trauma as a justification.
We shape our own lives based on the meaning we assign to prior events. We are not affected by the thrill of our encounters. Instead, we fashion anything we want out of them.
Typical scenario: John was traumatized as a child, therefore he isolates himself and refuses to leave the house.
The Adlerian approach: John wants to avoid going out, so he creates a condition of anxiety and terror to achieve that purpose. “If I stay in my room all the time, my folks will be worried about me,” he thinks to himself. “I’ll get their full attention.”
#3: You use feelings of inferiority as an excuse.
Inferiority feelings are subjective perceptions, not objective realities. Being shorter than normal can be viewed as a disadvantage or a strength for not being scary and allowing others to relax.
Subjectivity has one advantage: it permits you to make your own decisions. Consider everything as a benefit or a drawback. We can’t change objective facts, but we can change how they’re interpreted as much as we want.
People are born into the world as helpless beings with a universal longing to be free of that helplessness. The pursuit of superiority is what it’s called. Feelings of inadequacy, if not mishandled, can be a useful stimulant for progress.
However, other people lose the guts to take steps ahead and refuse to acknowledge that the situation can be improved by making realistic attempts, so they simply give up and say, “I’m not good enough anyway” or “I wouldn’t stand a chance even if I tried.” An inferiority complex is a term for this. Using emotions of inadequacy as an excuse to avoid doing something. “I’m not well educated, so I won’t achieve,” or “I’m not attractive, so I won’t be able to find love.”
Some suffer from a superiority complex. They act as if they are superior and have a fictitious sense of superiority. Make boasts about prior accomplishments and reminisce about old times. When inferiority and superiority mindsets coexist, it’s easy to brag about one’s difficulties. They distinguish themselves as “unique” as a result of their misfortune. If one utilizes misfortune to be “special,” then misfortune will always be required.
#4: What is the best way to reach true happiness?
Adlerian psychology is psychology that focuses on changing oneself rather than changing others. Rather than waiting for others to change, you take the initiative and make the first move.
#5: There is no such thing as competition in life.
The idea of pursuing supremacy is to take a single stride forward on your own two feet. Not the competitive mindset of wanting to outperform others. A good sense of inadequacy comes from comparing oneself to one’s ideal self, not from comparing oneself to others.
Many people are unhappy while attempting to achieve social success since they are living in a competitive environment. If you view interpersonal interactions as a competition, you will see other people’s happiness as “my failure,” and you will be unable to rejoice. Your perspective on the world will shift once you can feel “people are my comrades.”
#6: Refuse to acknowledge your craving for attention.
Wishing so hard to be noticed will lead to a life of conforming to other people’s expectations that you should be “this kind of person.” You abandon your true self and live the lives of others. As a result, you should suppress your craving for attention. You are not living to meet the expectations of others, and others are not living to meet your expectations.
In relationships, the price of independence is the possibility of being despised by others. It’s proof of your independence and an indication that you’re living your life according to your own set of values.
You will never continue through in your way of life until you are unconcerned about other people’s opinions and also have no fear of being hated by others, even if it means paying the price of never being recognized. You’ll never be free.
There may be someone who does not approve of you, but it is not your responsibility.
In terms of your personal life, all you can do is grab the best route that you believed in. What are people’s opinions on that? That is someone else’s responsibility, and you have no control over it.
#7: Discard other people’s tasks.
We must consider in terms of “whose task is this?” and distinguish our responsibilities from those of others. This is referred to as task separation. You should not be concerned about or interfere with other people’s work. For example, it is the child’s responsibility to study in school, not the parent’s. The taskmaster is the one who will finally receive the outcome of the decision. Parents use the expression “it’s for your own benefit” when, in actuality, they’re doing so to achieve their aims, such as improving their children’s social standing and gaining control. Parents should be interested in learning about their children’s activities and letting them know that they are willing to help them with their studies. They should not, however, interfere with the child’s task.
The first step in lightening the burden and making life easier is to discard other people’s tasks.
#8: Your interpersonal relationships are in your hands.
Many people believe that the other person holds the relationship cards. That’s why they’re curious about “how that person feels about me.” And as a result, they wind up living in a way that caters to the desires of others. If you’re driven by a desire for recognition, you’ll end up with all the cards in the hands of others. You will discover that you have all the cards if you can master the task separation.
#9: Don’t condemn or laud; instead, cultivate horizontal relationships.
Praise automatically establishes a hierarchical relationship, implying that the other person is beneath you. As though you’re pronouncing judgment on one person’s competence vs another’s incapacity. Instead, express your gratitude with words. Thanking this partner for their assistance with your work. “This was quite beneficial.” If you want to be praised, you’ll have little choice but to adapt to that person’s standards and place limits on your independence. “Thank you,” on the other hand, is a straightforward expression of appreciation.
#10: How can you create a sense of belonging?
The purpose of interpersonal interactions is to provide a sense of belonging. This sense of comradeship with others. To achieve that sensation, you must shift your focus from self-interest to care for others. People obsessed with the desire for attention will tend to look at other people while, in reality, they are only looking at themselves. They desire to be considered favorably by others, which is why they are concerned about how others see them. That is completely self-centered. They are always asking themselves, “What will this individual give me?” This expectation isn’t going to be met on every occasion, so they become resentful and think negatively.
“That individual disappointed me. That guy is no longer a comrade of mine.” Self-centered individuals are prone to abandoning their friends.
Making a proactive commitment to social responsibility might give you a sense of belonging. Take small moves ahead and don’t ignore employment, friendships, or romantic connections. Consider a variety of “What would this person provide me?” rather than “What would this person give me?” “What can I provide to this person?” rather than “What else can I offer to this person?”
You can have a meaningful sense of worth when you can say, “I am valuable to the community.” I get the impression that I’m useful to someone.
#11: “Happiness is the sensation of making a difference.”
Also, don’t limit yourself to just one neighborhood. If you consider schools to be everything to you, you will feel unattached to anything. There is a bigger world that encompasses all communities. And every one of us is a part of that world. Living in constant worry of one’s relationships collapsing is an oppressive way of life. Clinging to the small community in front of you is a bad idea. There will always be larger and more diverse groups.
Three things are required: self-acceptance, trust in others, and service to others.
- Self-acceptance: The goal is to accept oneself 60% of the time and ask yourself, “How can I come closer to 100%?” You can’t alter what you were born with, but you can control what you do with it. Concentrate on the things you can alter.
- Trust in others: When we shift our focus from self-centeredness to caring for someone else, trust in others becomes critical. If you don’t have objective reasons to trust somebody, you can believe without worrying about things like security. Unconditional trust is the bedrock of any lasting relationship.
- Contribution to others: Work is the most well-known contribution to others. Labor is how one contributes to others and commits to one’s community. One can grow to recognize one’s existential worth by feeling “I am of use to someone.” This aids in self-acceptance once more, and you can see how it works in a circle.
#12: The bravery to be a regular person.
Whether they are attempting to be particularly good or particularly horrible, the objective is the same: to attract other people’s attention. Get out of your “regular” state and into the realm of “special beings.” Why does it matter if you’re unique? Probably due to an inability to accept one’s normal self. If life is like ascending a mountain to get to the top, then you’ll spend your entire life “on the route.” What if you didn’t take this to the peak? How would it affect your life? Folks who think this way regard their lives as if they were a line. Instead, consider life as a collection of dots. “Now” is a collection of moments. We only exist in the present moment. Live your life as though it were a dance. Some of those who performed this violin dance went on to become professional musicians. Some of those who participated in the writing dance went on to become authors. Some people would end up in completely different locations. So none of these people’s lives ended “on the way.” It is sufficient if one finds fulfillment in the present moment while dancing. Dancing should be the aim in and of itself; you shouldn’t be concerned about getting anywhere by performing it. As an outcome of dancing, you may arrive there, however, there is no specific destination. The purpose of mountain climbing is to climb, not to reach the summit.
Life is made up of moments, and there is no such thing as the past or the future. Live in the present moment. Don’t be concerned about the past or the future.
